Meh..

I actually got bored, and umm...yeah..I'll go 'head and write about my theories regarding stuff. Beliefs, too. So, again, this is just stuff that comes from me. : If I can remember where I borrowed from, I'll cite the source from whence it came...or taken...whatever.


1)There is a universe, only because a multiverse exists. That is to say that there are more worlds than anyone can possible imagine and that they all exist at the same time. "Separate, yet simultaneous."
Taken from: Edward Roivas, "Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Reqiuem"
"All at once, separate and simultaneous, for the Universe is made of many timestreams, many possibilites, all in harmonious sychronicity."
My reasoning behind this is, well...after realizing that I can astral travel, and people can walk into my dreams...umm...I kinda have to believe in this.
2) The concept of reincarnation, and not just for people. Ever heard of the saying "There's nothing new under the sun" (or whatever planet you'd like)? Just because an idea never existed on this plane, never meant that
3) Spirits and the "unseen folk" can be just as good and bad as people can be.
4) I see karma as a balancing scale/boomerang. Even too much of a good thing is a bad thing. And it does have a way of coming back.
5) I don't think I can really say something is truely "dead". Take a ghostie, for example. They passed into one existance from another.

Well, that's it for now.

Almost forgot!

If you can't tell, these are pictures of me and some classmates at prom...yeah..I went to prom against my better thoughts.

I was gone for quite a while...

When was my last post? In December...and this is, what, June? Yeah, I've been gone for that long. And with good reason. So what's up with me now? Well, a lot of things..and I should be proud some of them.

Senior year:...That didn't go so well for me. I became a monster, I guess you could say. I was bitter, angry, jealous, paranoid....>_> I had a lot of negative emotions to tumble with. And it's funny how one can be so deeply embedded in their feelings before it hurts someone close to them....my family, as hard as I've fought for them to stay together, is broken. I feel as though I had some part in this, too..
You guys know I was in marching band during Senior year, too. The physical work wasn't so bad. I at least got to go outside and become active. But the social aspects...I wasn't very accepted in it. Most because they had already set up their cliques, so I couldn't fit in very well. Just being me set me apart from everyone, too. I did find some friends, but we did drift away from each other. I feel that was a bit on my part, and that comes with regret. I can honestly say I was more personable in that year than any other, but I felt as though it didn't do any good. The reason for such a change was...well, out of a hardened jealousy between me and my house-sister Courtney. Ever since she moved in (Sophomore year), she's always had friends to hang out with and play around. I had none that I could go to due to distance. I did have things to do with people now and again, but it just didn't feel quite right. She was always out, and I stayed in the house to just waste away (not in the physical sense. o.o 230 pounds doesn't do that so easily.).

Family Life: Meanwhile, my family's been fighting with each other. The issue of college has made such a negative effect on us. I never did say I was decided on what to do during then, even through high school. I had my choices, but even they were a lot...I guess I should have asked for help on this. Courtney already had her college to go to. She was going to Florida International University. I said I wanted to go to a community college.....Denise didn't like that too much. I told her why I wanted to go, and all that happy stuff....and she began tearing me down because of it. She said I was going to a place where losers, older people, and cut-ups went (but she never finished high school, let alone went to college). I wouldn't have that "experience", and that I was taking the long way in life. Maybe it was my fault that I let her shake me up so much. She misconstrued a lot of things that I said, too, when she was yelling at me. So I asked around for people when it came to college. They said it was a good idea, because things are at a slower pace, and the learning is just as good if not better than a university. I could transfer my credits as well to any other place within the state. It seemed that it wasn't good enough to her that I had no STDs, no bastard children, I had a clean police record, I wasn't involved in drugs, never went to parties and got drunk and the like. And she said she would "stop bothering me about it". Yeah, right.
The state of my mother and my house-mother's relationship began to deteriorate, too. Denise began to take out her anger on my brother and me. Almost every Friday, when my mother was at work and Denise would drink, she would make long speeches to me and my brother saying that we should be "in the norm" (she said this more to my brother), that my father was a no-good druggie, that I was my mother's child in the worst way, etc..but she had done this before...this drinking and ranting. It never really hurt me to sit down and listen to her. She did say things that did hurt me, but I got over it. Things like "You need to stop taking those pills";"You're such a good actress. You're a sociopath" "You have no common sense, and you know this", so on and so forth. She'd talk about my mother behind her back, my brother, and me as well. There were things that my mother did, too, so in a way, all our problems come from us. One such instance was when I got sick for four days. As I was staying home, my mother gave Denise a black eye. Now, it's not within my mother to be so violent...she'll physically attack if she's "coiled"...she prefers to avoid conflict, but she will do if she's that stressed and she's "cornered". Mother went off to work two hours before, and then Denise was laying in her bed with a black eye. She told me to come in, and look at her black eye. That's when she started talking smack about me and my blood-family. A month later, like...two weeks ago she was having a barbie for Memorial Day. I was feeling a bit depressed that day, so I went to have some "Me" time. I cut the phone off and just stayed in my room, then went down to clean the kitchen that evening. Denise called me from the porch and said my mother was mad at me because I didn't answer the phone; she couldn've had off that weekend if me or my brother had answered it. Courtney was out at the movies with two friends and some cousins that came down for the weekend. Now, I have a phone in my room (two if my cell is included) and Courtney has one in her room...I was blamed because they said I should have made sure mine was working while my parents were out, then they sent me back to do the kitchen. While I had my back turned to them and was cleaning the dishes, they began talking junk and laughing at me and Xzay. I know I'm a sensitive person, and the things they said were pretty minor, but to know that Courtney, Denise, and one of the cousins would say that (even in front of Courtney's friends) really did hurt me. A true family would never do such a thing as far as I know. I began crying as was cleaning the kitchen. To make matters worse, my Aunt Toni called. I have nothing against her; she's always wanting to come and see me and Xzay. She came to see me graduate along with some other family members in Ohio. I got upset enough to reject her when she wanted to talk to me over the phone. I wouldn't accept the phone from Courtney after her teasing and taunting..not even from Xzay who tried to get me to talk to her...but I couldn't. Xzay went as far as to explain the situation to her, but that didn't help. I just went back into my room afterwards. I did apologize to her the day after. I took a walk to a nearby Subway's to eat and read, you know...assess myself. The walk was about an hour, and it felt good to just being by myself. I avoid Denise to a certain extent more than Courtney. I just avoid "talking" to them, really.

Other: I was able to sit down and actually examine some of my beliefs. They didn't fit into the one I was in before, or the plans I had in the future, so with some help, I began seeking out other things. I've been researching paganism since August, and I've learned some interesting things. I have a goal, too. I've been looking into shamanism since I started, but I started turning my attention to Wicca a matter of weeks ago. I don't claim to know much about it, but I'm going to check it out for a bit and see where it fits into my "hopeful" path.
Some of the experiences, as well as my beliefs will come in the next post. I'm thinking about starting this back up again and journaling once every two weeks; more if it's a "lighting bug".

Two and a half more?

Two new poems, one inspired by the song "Calming Island" (Kevin Kern) , and the other is "Song From A Secret Garden" (David Agnew/John Tate?) respectively. I think that for those who read these, they might find some kind of polar opposite. The third one, isn't a poem, and yet it is, I think...I suppose it's more of a narative on how I view people.

"Appreciation"
Thanks
for all
the things you've done for me,
the seen
and
unseen.
I just
wish that I knew
how to repay you with the kindness you gave me.

Long days have passed me by with that very question.
What
an agonizing task with such a noble dream.
To
show you
that I care. Maybe some flowers will do,
Hmm?

I can't
just pick
a star or a moon
to put in your pocket
so that you have something to
tell you
how much
you mean to me.
So, I will stick around
even after I have found a way.

Thank you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Waiting"

Where did you go?
You know,
I wait'd for you. You just left without
a trace.
That candle that I lit
for you is not there.
The window I left is bare.
You said I'd see you soon,
but you never came.
First I thought I was to blame.

I began to recall our summer days,
how young we were during that tender age.
Did the flower we grew
fade to dust and not bloom?


Well, I'm not sure if you even see that spot
where I paced before I left.
For many moons, I thought
"He will show up soon."
My tarrying was all for naught.

I began to recall our summer days
(and winter months),
how young we were during that tender age.
(Our youth did wane.)
Did the flower we grew
fade to dust and not bloom?

As I head off,
I turn, looking back with tears,
seeing that decaying sight,
I'm somehow remind'd of
the tale of Midas.

------------------------------------------------------

day 1
wether: dark and kloudy

my chest hurts. there's red ink kuming from were it hurts. im sad and lonely. it's going to rain. how did i get here?

day 2
wether: dark and kloudy again
i wen esploring. i found dead bodies and bad smels. lots of it. theyre layin on t grund. ther eys is lookn at me. sum of dier hands is out, almos like dey wan me to tak their hand. ther moufs moov. sum moufs say help you, sum say hurt you. i dun get it.sum also say help me.

day 3
wether: rainening with sum light
it's stil dark, but theres a lil light. sum of these bodies looks relli familyar.

day 4
wether: same
I kno some of these bodies now. they were people i knew. but how did dey di?

day 5
weather: same
The ones dat said 'help me'...i feel guilt. The hurt me ones make me feel unsafe. I feel better with sum of the help you ones. I feel safe.

day 6
weather: rain is gone
one of the help yous is crying. i went over to him. i felt sad. what could have made him cry? he doesn't look like the type to. now, he says "family" and points to me.
another one of the help-yous says family, too. if i knew any better, he would be my brother.

day 7
weather: still dark
I put sumthing over my chest to stop the leaking. the first help-you to call me family smiled. it was odd. i felt disappointment coming from this one, and betrayel, yet it means...i duno, forgiveness? he still points to me and says "family". it makes me cry. he must have really loved this person, and i feel sad but i dun know why. the second help-you said 'crows-nest" and 'play together". wut does that mean?

day 8
weather: still dark
my hed hurts. I'm shocked i'm still here. I keep seeing things in my hed. people coming, they die. sumone stabbed and slashed at them. i'm the only one alife. the one that i would call my brother smiled at me today. he said he misses me. I feel guilt, but where is it coming from...?
the one that still says family, he looks like he could move, like he could go away, but he cant. is he stuck here? is he waiting for someone? that person should be really lucky; he looks like his payshence is about to give way..he can't hold on that much longer, but he doesn't want to leav quite yet. man, that one must be lucky to have him as family. why are they doing this to him?

Day nine
Weather: A little lighter.
sometimes, i wish i had died with these people. its miserable here. I drag Family and Crow's-Nest over to me and curl up between them. They're warm.

Bits and pieces come. Help-mes were waiting for someone to help them, but that person failed them. They say "She was scared, paranoid". What could that mean? Just a stab to the heart.
The Hurt-Yous were the ones this girl knew would hurt her. They're the most decapitated. Just one hand, a head, and lots of blood remain in a group. The other refuse is spread out. She must have hated them, and by the look of things, there was a multitude of them.
The Help-yous were people that this girl cherished, but from the things I got from the visions and the Help-mes, she killed them. They're like the Help-mes with the whole stabbed in the heart thing. Their faces are tear-stained, more or less.
She must have been through a lot of shit that left her emotionally stunted, or something like that.
Crow's-Nest now points to me and says "Knife" or "You did it".. What the hell? I'm pretty sure I would've remembered what I did, but with the black-outs and memory gaps, it's hard to tell. More disturbing visions come to me.
I wonder if there's any food in this jungle that's edible. I'm starting and thirsty. My head hurts more, and the gash in my chest is starting to ooze with pus and blood. It might rot. Oh, well, it hurts to move, and maybe someone will find me. That's the best thing to do if you get lost, isn't it?

Day ten, last day, so it feels..
Weather: It's getting foggy..hazy...peaceful..the sun's coming up
Crow's-Nest pointed to my pocket. I pulled out a knife, and it all came to me so clearly now. My enemies chased me all the way here. I had no where else to go. I killed them with my own bare hands..but it didn't leave me without a nick. That explains the injury. It's funny how it just happens to be right in the center of my heart. They got smarter, though, because I now feel other wounds. I must've fell into some traps...Need I explain who they are?
I was scared after that, and so afraid....like someone else was going to attack me at any moment. I kept moving after a while. There were some other people who needed my help, but I passed them by. I felt like they were going to hurt me if I helped them, so what was the point? Those were the Help-Mes.
The tear-stained ones are the Help-Yous. They were hurt the most, I think..we were fine together, but fear took a hold of me.
...Particulary Crow's-Nest and Family...Crow's-Nest was my younger brother, but he looked out for me a lot. We used to play all kinds of games. When he said he missed me, well...I can't figure that out on my own, and it must be too late...I'm already feeling sleepy.
Family was....he was a lot of things to me. He helped me, he inspired me, he even spoiled me....he was right with me when I needed him for anything, which was comforting, yet frightening. I hadn't expected anyone to do that, but I was expecting things to sour. I thought he was like the others that laid traps for me. I kept waiting and watching, watching and waiting...but he didn't leave me. He did the very opposite. Isn't it funny how life can be such a bitch sometimes? 'Specially when you hurt those you love most because fear clouds your mind, and you can't see anyone or anything...all you can think of is how to protect yourself....
I'm sorry, you guys...you two most of all...now I see them crying...I wonder what they're saying...it's hard to tell...just let me rest, okay? I need to sleep........

Another Poem..

This is a poem I wrote about Friday rain.

My dear Friday rain,
do please come again.
Wash
away the toils
of my week, and all the stresses that I've
harbor'd. Dance your peaceful dance upon my roof,
while I recoil in
my room,
all curl'd up, all nice and warm.
Do come, please,
and rejuvinate the energy that I lost
while awake.
Trickle against the windows, in that sweet, serene melody
that lulls me to sleep.

My dear Friday rain,
please do come again.
Purify me with your soothing lullaby...

Fictionpress.com doesn't work... T_T

So, I'll put my recent poems here until I can find a way to get it to work again.


Though I know that I am only human,
and that I am just beginning to wake up,
I can feel your hands on me, rustl'ing me,
telling me to get up.
There's work to do
healing those that do not know how to heal themselves.
What is the point in having these gifts
if they sit on a self
never to be used?
Though I know that I am only human,
until last breath, my work is never done,
healing those that cannot, do not know how to heal themselves.



Blood, sweat, and tears
it's what we had used before
to close the gap between us,
drawing us closer, and e'en more.

Blood, sweat, and tears
that's what held us together
all holding us through
the vibrant and gloomy weather.

But I drifted away, doubting what I, we had.
I fell short of what I was, I lost myself somehow,
and I did so, injuring you.
If I could go back, turn that clock 'round, it wouldn't have happened.
It did, and we have to live through it. It is guilt, however, that I must bear.

That doesn't mean it has to stay that way.

I may not be very headsmart,
or strong,
or very pleasing to the sight.
But, for you,
I will fight, proving that I am
a queen among slaves,
a jewel to be worn on your crown,
a friend to laugh with,
a needle, sharp, to mend your stitches,
a warm steam house to dwell and relax in,
and a towel to dry yourself from sorrow's salty oceans.

Blood, sweat, and tears.
That is how I will work my way,
climbing the canyon,
filling in that great divide that keeps us away from each other.


~Inspired by: "Balance Valley", Dark Cloud 2 (PS2)

My attempt at satire...

You know, it's amazing that only the true friends will actually hang in there and help you....lately, I've become rather critical of myself. I forget things much more easily. I'm overcome with more depression...I've become more whiny and insecure. I've begun to see who I trust as true friends, and then those who are just either acquaintances, and people to talk to.....I'll tell you guys later..but right now....I have this to show you. I also have pictures of me outside of cosplay. A first, eh? The one you guys see is just one taken in my Senior year (haven't graduated yet)....if you want to see them, you'll have to saunter over to my MySpace (yes, I broke down and got one) if I can't get it to show up here...I'll give more on that later.
Just a rough homework draft, but you're welcome to it. Just don't steal it. I'm not done yet.



The Mirror Policy
Everyone complains that we do not know others well enough. We're astounded by what they do when we think we know them well enough, and it turns out we don't. Perhaps vice versa. From the queen bees who will back-stab their loyal subjects (doing this with a smile, saying it's for the good of the many, mind you), from the heartless cad who may offer their love to one that they have admired from afar and pined for because of a simple act of kindness. With this said, we hurt more than we heal with these. Why do we do this? Do we know we do this? We hide things away in our hearts, our minds, whatever anyone would call a soul. We are products of our own deceptive, oppressive society, we humans. What has our society taught us?
Many, many things, our "beloved" society, and it might revolve around being "happy".
What is happiness? Dictionaries, like dictionary.com states:
Happy-
1.
delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2.
characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3.
favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4.
apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.
5.
obsessed by or quick to use the item indicated (usually used in combination): a trigger-happy gangster. Everybody is gadget-happy these days
Happiness-
pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction. Happiness, bliss, contentment, felicity imply an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction. Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good: the happiness of visiting one's family. Bliss is unalloyed happiness or supreme delight: the bliss of perfect companionship. Contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified: contentment in one's surroundings. Felicity is a formal word for happiness of an especially fortunate or intense kind: to wish a young couple felicity in life.
Okay, that's what the definition of "happy" and "happiness" is...but how can we get to it? What can make us happy as individuals?
We can be who we want to be, but when we are when we want to be, we cannot be happy because we do not conform to what society would call "being happy". When we pursue other interests that others say are dangerous, we are told we are bad, and we are punished for it. It comes to us in many forms. For example, this would include laughing (or watching and doing nothing) at the one asking questions in class, or when one simply cannot understand directions given to them. Has anyone ever asked that one what they see, what their senses are? No, because they are so happy in their box that they see nothing. Being able to think, to use the brain as a valued commodity. To think. To reason. To read. To learn. Society pushes away those that want to help that can help.Why? Ignorance is bliss, and intellect is We do this because our views are not of theirs, neither theirs ours. There's a canyon between those two people. A gap of darkness (nothingness) and animosity. A veil, my people! A VEIL!........Ansem, a fictional character from the Kingdom Hearts series once said, "Only one who knows nothing can understand nothing."
Perhaps we seek to fill in this gap of nothing?
We can never be pretty, unless we get plastic surgery to exhagerate our natural features, the features we were given from birth that our years have forged (make-up is used to enhance natural appearances, not hamper them). All we see in magazines are smiling faces. Why are they smiling? Is it because they know we will never achieve the level of "beauty" that they have, so we must cover it all up with starvation, lies, and self-mutilation? We see the skinny women who can hardly stand against the wind. They're "happy". They're popping pills, but we don't see this when they take their dazzling photos.
We want for everything and everyone must be the same, same enough so that we are content with the present, and we can never move on to the future. Not enough to rebel, but enough to stagnant and reject the inevitable: time waits for no one, neither does old age. But, no, this.Does.Not.Work.For.Any.Body. There is nothing wrong with indulging the senses. There is something wrong with indulging our senses enough that it becomes a hazard. Don't have a clue? Try poisoning the body enough to harm others. Does things like drunk driving ring a bell?

MetroCon pictures! Yay!

Here they are! Finally! Sadly, though, the webmaster, Maboroshi, has retired from his photography. ;_; It sucks, because I owe him something. He's helped me to learn how to smile. Thank you, Maboroshi. I won't forget you.

Band Camp Sched...oh, wait!

If you guys wanna know why I won't be around a lot, this is why:

Monday 24th-Wednsday 26th, 1PM-9PM
Thursday 27th-28, 10AM-9PM
Saturday 29th- 9AM-9PM
Sunday-No Camp
Monday 31st-Tuesday 1st, 3PM-8PM
Wednsday 2nd- School Open House & Performance
Thursday 3rd, First Day of School, Practice immediately after school, 3:30-5:30


Does anyone want to know why the 27th is highlighted in red? C'est ma anniversare! (It's my birthday!) Drawings, treats, virtual plushies and all that are welcome, oui, but so is a simple "Happy Birthday!".......Birthday licks are frowned down upon. XP Yeah, that's right. I'd like drawings! Of what? Umm....:3 My role-play characters. ^.^ By the way, the photos of my friend at I at MetroCon are finally up! The matter is just getting them on the Blogger. ^_^ And guess what? I smiled! XD YUUUUUSSH!!!