I was gone for quite a while...
When was my last post? In December...and this is, what, June? Yeah, I've been gone for that long. And with good reason. So what's up with me now? Well, a lot of things..and I should be proud some of them.
Senior year:...That didn't go so well for me. I became a monster, I guess you could say. I was bitter, angry, jealous, paranoid....>_> I had a lot of negative emotions to tumble with. And it's funny how one can be so deeply embedded in their feelings before it hurts someone close to them....my family, as hard as I've fought for them to stay together, is broken. I feel as though I had some part in this, too..
You guys know I was in marching band during Senior year, too. The physical work wasn't so bad. I at least got to go outside and become active. But the social aspects...I wasn't very accepted in it. Most because they had already set up their cliques, so I couldn't fit in very well. Just being me set me apart from everyone, too. I did find some friends, but we did drift away from each other. I feel that was a bit on my part, and that comes with regret. I can honestly say I was more personable in that year than any other, but I felt as though it didn't do any good. The reason for such a change was...well, out of a hardened jealousy between me and my house-sister Courtney. Ever since she moved in (Sophomore year), she's always had friends to hang out with and play around. I had none that I could go to due to distance. I did have things to do with people now and again, but it just didn't feel quite right. She was always out, and I stayed in the house to just waste away (not in the physical sense. o.o 230 pounds doesn't do that so easily.).
Family Life: Meanwhile, my family's been fighting with each other. The issue of college has made such a negative effect on us. I never did say I was decided on what to do during then, even through high school. I had my choices, but even they were a lot...I guess I should have asked for help on this. Courtney already had her college to go to. She was going to Florida International University. I said I wanted to go to a community college.....Denise didn't like that too much. I told her why I wanted to go, and all that happy stuff....and she began tearing me down because of it. She said I was going to a place where losers, older people, and cut-ups went (but she never finished high school, let alone went to college). I wouldn't have that "experience", and that I was taking the long way in life. Maybe it was my fault that I let her shake me up so much. She misconstrued a lot of things that I said, too, when she was yelling at me. So I asked around for people when it came to college. They said it was a good idea, because things are at a slower pace, and the learning is just as good if not better than a university. I could transfer my credits as well to any other place within the state. It seemed that it wasn't good enough to her that I had no STDs, no bastard children, I had a clean police record, I wasn't involved in drugs, never went to parties and got drunk and the like. And she said she would "stop bothering me about it". Yeah, right.
The state of my mother and my house-mother's relationship began to deteriorate, too. Denise began to take out her anger on my brother and me. Almost every Friday, when my mother was at work and Denise would drink, she would make long speeches to me and my brother saying that we should be "in the norm" (she said this more to my brother), that my father was a no-good druggie, that I was my mother's child in the worst way, etc..but she had done this before...this drinking and ranting. It never really hurt me to sit down and listen to her. She did say things that did hurt me, but I got over it. Things like "You need to stop taking those pills";"You're such a good actress. You're a sociopath" "You have no common sense, and you know this", so on and so forth. She'd talk about my mother behind her back, my brother, and me as well. There were things that my mother did, too, so in a way, all our problems come from us. One such instance was when I got sick for four days. As I was staying home, my mother gave Denise a black eye. Now, it's not within my mother to be so violent...she'll physically attack if she's "coiled"...she prefers to avoid conflict, but she will do if she's that stressed and she's "cornered". Mother went off to work two hours before, and then Denise was laying in her bed with a black eye. She told me to come in, and look at her black eye. That's when she started talking smack about me and my blood-family. A month later, like...two weeks ago she was having a barbie for Memorial Day. I was feeling a bit depressed that day, so I went to have some "Me" time. I cut the phone off and just stayed in my room, then went down to clean the kitchen that evening. Denise called me from the porch and said my mother was mad at me because I didn't answer the phone; she couldn've had off that weekend if me or my brother had answered it. Courtney was out at the movies with two friends and some cousins that came down for the weekend. Now, I have a phone in my room (two if my cell is included) and Courtney has one in her room...I was blamed because they said I should have made sure mine was working while my parents were out, then they sent me back to do the kitchen. While I had my back turned to them and was cleaning the dishes, they began talking junk and laughing at me and Xzay. I know I'm a sensitive person, and the things they said were pretty minor, but to know that Courtney, Denise, and one of the cousins would say that (even in front of Courtney's friends) really did hurt me. A true family would never do such a thing as far as I know. I began crying as was cleaning the kitchen. To make matters worse, my Aunt Toni called. I have nothing against her; she's always wanting to come and see me and Xzay. She came to see me graduate along with some other family members in Ohio. I got upset enough to reject her when she wanted to talk to me over the phone. I wouldn't accept the phone from Courtney after her teasing and taunting..not even from Xzay who tried to get me to talk to her...but I couldn't. Xzay went as far as to explain the situation to her, but that didn't help. I just went back into my room afterwards. I did apologize to her the day after. I took a walk to a nearby Subway's to eat and read, you know...assess myself. The walk was about an hour, and it felt good to just being by myself. I avoid Denise to a certain extent more than Courtney. I just avoid "talking" to them, really.
Other: I was able to sit down and actually examine some of my beliefs. They didn't fit into the one I was in before, or the plans I had in the future, so with some help, I began seeking out other things. I've been researching paganism since August, and I've learned some interesting things. I have a goal, too. I've been looking into shamanism since I started, but I started turning my attention to Wicca a matter of weeks ago. I don't claim to know much about it, but I'm going to check it out for a bit and see where it fits into my "hopeful" path.
Some of the experiences, as well as my beliefs will come in the next post. I'm thinking about starting this back up again and journaling once every two weeks; more if it's a "lighting bug".
Senior year:...That didn't go so well for me. I became a monster, I guess you could say. I was bitter, angry, jealous, paranoid....>_> I had a lot of negative emotions to tumble with. And it's funny how one can be so deeply embedded in their feelings before it hurts someone close to them....my family, as hard as I've fought for them to stay together, is broken. I feel as though I had some part in this, too..
You guys know I was in marching band during Senior year, too. The physical work wasn't so bad. I at least got to go outside and become active. But the social aspects...I wasn't very accepted in it. Most because they had already set up their cliques, so I couldn't fit in very well. Just being me set me apart from everyone, too. I did find some friends, but we did drift away from each other. I feel that was a bit on my part, and that comes with regret. I can honestly say I was more personable in that year than any other, but I felt as though it didn't do any good. The reason for such a change was...well, out of a hardened jealousy between me and my house-sister Courtney. Ever since she moved in (Sophomore year), she's always had friends to hang out with and play around. I had none that I could go to due to distance. I did have things to do with people now and again, but it just didn't feel quite right. She was always out, and I stayed in the house to just waste away (not in the physical sense. o.o 230 pounds doesn't do that so easily.).
Family Life: Meanwhile, my family's been fighting with each other. The issue of college has made such a negative effect on us. I never did say I was decided on what to do during then, even through high school. I had my choices, but even they were a lot...I guess I should have asked for help on this. Courtney already had her college to go to. She was going to Florida International University. I said I wanted to go to a community college.....Denise didn't like that too much. I told her why I wanted to go, and all that happy stuff....and she began tearing me down because of it. She said I was going to a place where losers, older people, and cut-ups went (but she never finished high school, let alone went to college). I wouldn't have that "experience", and that I was taking the long way in life. Maybe it was my fault that I let her shake me up so much. She misconstrued a lot of things that I said, too, when she was yelling at me. So I asked around for people when it came to college. They said it was a good idea, because things are at a slower pace, and the learning is just as good if not better than a university. I could transfer my credits as well to any other place within the state. It seemed that it wasn't good enough to her that I had no STDs, no bastard children, I had a clean police record, I wasn't involved in drugs, never went to parties and got drunk and the like. And she said she would "stop bothering me about it". Yeah, right.
The state of my mother and my house-mother's relationship began to deteriorate, too. Denise began to take out her anger on my brother and me. Almost every Friday, when my mother was at work and Denise would drink, she would make long speeches to me and my brother saying that we should be "in the norm" (she said this more to my brother), that my father was a no-good druggie, that I was my mother's child in the worst way, etc..but she had done this before...this drinking and ranting. It never really hurt me to sit down and listen to her. She did say things that did hurt me, but I got over it. Things like "You need to stop taking those pills";"You're such a good actress. You're a sociopath" "You have no common sense, and you know this", so on and so forth. She'd talk about my mother behind her back, my brother, and me as well. There were things that my mother did, too, so in a way, all our problems come from us. One such instance was when I got sick for four days. As I was staying home, my mother gave Denise a black eye. Now, it's not within my mother to be so violent...she'll physically attack if she's "coiled"...she prefers to avoid conflict, but she will do if she's that stressed and she's "cornered". Mother went off to work two hours before, and then Denise was laying in her bed with a black eye. She told me to come in, and look at her black eye. That's when she started talking smack about me and my blood-family. A month later, like...two weeks ago she was having a barbie for Memorial Day. I was feeling a bit depressed that day, so I went to have some "Me" time. I cut the phone off and just stayed in my room, then went down to clean the kitchen that evening. Denise called me from the porch and said my mother was mad at me because I didn't answer the phone; she couldn've had off that weekend if me or my brother had answered it. Courtney was out at the movies with two friends and some cousins that came down for the weekend. Now, I have a phone in my room (two if my cell is included) and Courtney has one in her room...I was blamed because they said I should have made sure mine was working while my parents were out, then they sent me back to do the kitchen. While I had my back turned to them and was cleaning the dishes, they began talking junk and laughing at me and Xzay. I know I'm a sensitive person, and the things they said were pretty minor, but to know that Courtney, Denise, and one of the cousins would say that (even in front of Courtney's friends) really did hurt me. A true family would never do such a thing as far as I know. I began crying as was cleaning the kitchen. To make matters worse, my Aunt Toni called. I have nothing against her; she's always wanting to come and see me and Xzay. She came to see me graduate along with some other family members in Ohio. I got upset enough to reject her when she wanted to talk to me over the phone. I wouldn't accept the phone from Courtney after her teasing and taunting..not even from Xzay who tried to get me to talk to her...but I couldn't. Xzay went as far as to explain the situation to her, but that didn't help. I just went back into my room afterwards. I did apologize to her the day after. I took a walk to a nearby Subway's to eat and read, you know...assess myself. The walk was about an hour, and it felt good to just being by myself. I avoid Denise to a certain extent more than Courtney. I just avoid "talking" to them, really.
Other: I was able to sit down and actually examine some of my beliefs. They didn't fit into the one I was in before, or the plans I had in the future, so with some help, I began seeking out other things. I've been researching paganism since August, and I've learned some interesting things. I have a goal, too. I've been looking into shamanism since I started, but I started turning my attention to Wicca a matter of weeks ago. I don't claim to know much about it, but I'm going to check it out for a bit and see where it fits into my "hopeful" path.
Some of the experiences, as well as my beliefs will come in the next post. I'm thinking about starting this back up again and journaling once every two weeks; more if it's a "lighting bug".
posted by Kasumi @ 9:55 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home